Grieving on Facebook: How the Site Helps People

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“…….. And Kisa Gotami had an only son, and he died. In her grief she carried the dead child to all her neighbors, asking them for medicine, and the people said: “She has lost her senses. The boy is dead. At length Kisa Gotami met a man who replied to her request: “I cannot give you medicine for your child, but I know a physician who can.” The girl said: “Pray tell me, sir; who is it?” And the man replied: “Go to Sakyamuni, the Buddha.” Kisa Gotami repaired to the Buddha and cried: “Lord and Master, give me the medicine that will cure my boy.” The Buddha answered: “I want a handful of mustard-seed.” And when the girl in her joy promised to procure it, the Buddha added: “The mustard-seed must be taken from a house where no one has lost a child, husband, parent, or friend.” Poor Kisa Gotami now went from house to house, and the people pitied her and said: “Here is mustard-seed; take it!” But when she asked, “Did a son or daughter, a father or mother, die in your family?” they answered her: “Alas the living are few, but the dead are many. Do not remind us of our deepest grief.” And there was no house but some beloved one had died in it. Kisa Gotami became weary and hopeless, and sat down at the wayside, watching the lights of the city, as they flickered up and were extinguished again. At last the darkness of the night reigned everywhere. And she considered the fate of men, that their lives flicker up and are extinguished. And she thought to herself: “How selfish am I in my grief! Death is common to all; yet in this valley of desolation there is a path that leads him to immortality who has surrendered all selfishness.” Putting away the selfishness of her affection for her child, Kisa Gotami had the dead body buried in the forest. Returning to the Buddha, she took refuge in him and found comfort in the Dharma, which is a balm that will soothe all the pains of our troubled hearts. The Buddha said: “The life of mortals in this world is troubled and brief and combined with pain. For there is not any means by which those that have been born can avoid dying; after reaching old age there is death; of such a nature are living beings. As ripe fruits are early in danger of falling, so mortals when born are always in danger of death. As all earthen vessels made by the potter end in being broken, so is the life of mortals. Both young and adult, both those who are fools and those who are wise, all fall into the power of death; all are subject to death. “Of those who, overcome by death, depart from life, a father cannot save his son, nor kinsmen their relations. Mark I while relatives are looking on and lamenting deeply, one by one mortals are carried off, like an ox that is led to the slaughter. So the world is afflicted with death and decay, therefore the wise do not grieve, knowing the terms of the world. In whatever manner people think a thing will come to pass, it is often different when it happens, and great is the disappointment; see, such are the terms of the world. “Not from weeping nor from grieving will any one obtain peace of mind; on the contrary, his pain will be the greater and his body will suffer. He will make himself sick and pale, yet the dead are not saved by his lamentation. People pass away, and their fate after death will be according to their deeds. If a man live a hundred years, or even more, he will at last be separated from the company of his relatives, and leave the life of this world. He who seeks peace should draw out the arrow of lamentation, and complaint, and grief. He who has drawn out the arrow and has become composed will obtain peace of mind; he who has overcome all sorrow will become free from sorrow, and be blessed.”

Candles burn for their loss
By Keith Ferguson/Daily News staff
Daily News Transcript
Posted Nov 14, 2008 @ 01:44 AM
WALPOLE —

Its name comes from a Michelangelo sculpture that is the virtual embodiment of human suffering and loss, and its founders readily acknowledge it is the group to which no one wants to belong.

Within a couple years after Jo Musco Collari and Barbara Waters lost their 21-year-old daughters in a car accident, they knew they had to do something to express their grief.

And so they formed Pieta, a support group for grieving parents named after Michelangelo’s work, now in Vatican City, of Mary holding the body of Jesus after he lost his life on the cross.

It was 1981 when their daughters, Brenda Waters and Robyn Musco, died in a car accident in Florida.

In two years, Waters, of Wrentham, and Collari, of Walpole, established Pieta as a support group for parents who have lost children. Starting in 1984, the group has held an annual candle-lighting ceremony - each year in a different church - for bereaved parents to honor the memory of their dead children.

The lighting ceremony at St. Theresa of Avila Church in West Roxbury this year on Dec. 3 at 7 p.m. will mark the group’s 25th year.

Brenda Waters and Robyn Musco were best friends who met as students at Fontbonne Academy in Milton. The two were visiting relatives in Florida in May 1981, enjoying the sun. Just a day into the vacation, the young women were heading back to the condo they were staying at when their car veered off a Ft. Lauderdale road and crashed.

It was later discovered, the women said, that the car they had borrowed was in need of body work from a previous accident. They said the accident was likely caused by a mechanical malfunction.

Robyn was killed immediately when she was thrown from the car into shallow water. Brenda spent a month in a hospital before dying.

“Nothing can prepare anyone for such pain,” said Waters.

Her daughter, she said, had a beautiful smile and was the center of the family.

Brenda had just finished college and was working at Cullinet software. Robyn was going into her junior year at Emmanuel College in Boston.

“She loved life,” Collari said of Robyn, noting that she had been chosen Ms. Congeniality in a Massachusetts beauty pageant. She “loved everybody.”

Waters said the mothers called the girls the “dynamic duo” and added “all these lovely adjectives we use we used before they died, too.”

The mothers became friends well before their girls died because of Robyn and Brenda’s fondness for each other.

Embracing, as they often do, the mothers said sharing in such a devastating experience only strengthened their bond.

The two mothers began the group meetings as home Catholic faith services that alternated between Waters’ and Collari’s homes each month, but their residences soon proved too small to fit all those who wanted to attend. Many of Robyn and Brenda’s friends asked if they could come to talk about the girls and their own grief.

“We realized how much it helped us,” Waters said.

Each mother had looked for support groups, but could not find a faith-driven one that was within a reasonable distance. So, they founded Pieta with the assistance of the Rev. Bill Wolkovich at St. George Church in Norwood.

After Wolkovich died and St. George closed, Pieta moved to Walpole where the group holds 7 p.m. meetings the first Wednesday of every month at Blessed Sacrament Church.

Now, even after 25 years, the two mothers are trying to reach out to people who don’t know such a group exists.

The grieving process is natural, they said, explaining that many people keep their emotions hidden.

Waters said some of her own friends had lost children but had never disclosed it to her until after Robyn and Brenda died.

Some parents even join Pieta decades after losing a child to “cry all the tears they were never allowed to shed.”

When a new person joins, the mothers say they just listen and let them cry or be angry if they want to.

“No one can truly understand how each one of us feels, but another bereaved parent can relate to our loss,” Waters said.

She said that the two simply try to empathize with the person “because we all share the same loss.”

Asked why they are so willing to talk about what happened to their daughters and how they feel about the loss, Waters said, “People ask ‘Doesn’t it keep the wound open.’ They don’t realize the wound is always there.”

Sometimes they do ask themselves why they continue to run Pieta, the mothers said. But then a group member will tell them how they thank God they found such a group, and then the mothers have their answer.

The meetings normally draw about 25 people monthly. The annual candle lighting ceremonies where everyone is welcome are bigger, drawing 300 to 500 parents who are just thankful to light a candle in their children’s memories.