Lucy Wightman Questions

Michael Jackson

Lucy Wightman — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 12:14:43 +0000

What do you feel and think about Michael Jackson’s life and death?

Why Keep This?

Lucy Wightman — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 01:17:46 +0000

Having a circling question behind my eyeballs leads me to different scenarios, none with answers, until today, or maybe it was yesterday. I often imagine turning this site off, black, like a sudden death. Equally, I have thought that the pieces might coalesce.

Why do I keep this strange, disconnected presence where voyeurs can peek in and leave without a trace, and where others of you keep your strong arms out, never letting me forget some of the good left to life?

The reasons have changed over time. Once whimsical, curious and seeking, this was where I could remind myself of these qualities while I “healed,” sort of like a safe deposit box storing the facets of me while I grieved, groveled and begged. Then, wrongly confined to myself following a witch hunt, it was a way to stay part of the greater whole. All along, having been re-introduced to lost relationships has made the spot here comforting and valuable to me. I have made new friends, and received words and art and emotion to encourage me to do something like be OK.

I of course spent the months after Torri turned stone cold putting what I could on her website. It was a way to mother her, to trick myself that she was really still here. I have vented. I have shared tidbits and more, and then less. I have been in this phase of shrinking away for some time now.

This has nothing to do with wanting to be “seen.” yes, yes, yes, OF COURSE I was a stripper so OF COURSE the easy equation is that I am an exhibitionist. OK, sure, I will go with that and say that it make sense to assume this. That is perfectly fine should you need the road to have a neat and tidy cul-de-sac. If so, you can stop reading right here because nothing I have to say will float into your brain once you have made the culminating summation. I do it too. Forgiven.

My experience is that there is no “healing.” There is no grieving because grieving implies a process that is dynamic and shaping. Less and less of this me is real. This little speck of a place that really exists nowhere at all is where I plant things before floating away. It is fitting that it exists nowhere at all except through some exponentially ungraspable binary code living only as long as the electricity is on.

Graduate school - HUGE mistake. Took way too much time away from being a mother. Left husband towards end of dissertation. Another huge mistake. Selfish. Stupid. Got wrapped up in career, loved it, worked too much, then the “she was a stripper,” and I stand to lose, and do, all the time spent building a career. Then the ultimate, the loss that makes the others not matter, until I use this category: belonging.

I belong nowhere. I am an only child. I lost my network, my work community, my home, my structure, my viability, many friends and in a flash, my very soul. There is no center to my world and no seams holding it together. I float with great discomfort knowing there can be no landing, but then my wings are old and tired of flapping.

The best I can do to belong is to accept that I do not. And take it from there.

What Does It Mean?

Lucy Wightman — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 12:19:00 +0000

When a person is overtaken and thrown from love?

How is it that “teen” porn sites have such power?

What does it mean when one-dimensional, objectified stimulation enters a relationship?

What does it mean when one person’s heart breaks differently than another?

WHY do losses become compounded?

Where Were You During the Inauguration?

Lucy Wightman — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 18:56:52 +0000

Photo Courtesy of Jeff Larson - Safe Roads Alliance

How Do We Train Sea Gulls to Eat Dog Poo?

Lucy Wightman — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 13:35:04 +0000

Really, they eat everything else.

Exercise Ball

Lucy Wightman — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 02:06:04 +0000

Do you? Where is it right now? When was the last time you used it and for what? How much longer do you think you will keep it?

How Do You Know When You Know Someone?

Lucy Wightman — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 03:52:21 +0000

Or is it you that you are knowing and convincing the you that you really know something about somebody whose inner life can only be guessed, reported on, taken at face value etc…?

What is the Purpose of Worry?

Lucy Wightman — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 10:46:35 +0000

“Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?” What else can be done with anxiety, fear and worry besides asking it to go away?

What Do Man Changes Look Like?

Lucy Wightman — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 12:23:12 +0000

I received an email from a young woman, a friend, who had this to say about what they looked like (but I did not ask her to tell me - her words gave me the idea to ask)

“When you say ‘man changes,’ I immediately envision your walls turning into aluminum, a fresh scent of diesel hovering in the air, along with surround sound, a keg-er-ator, and countless stacks of those cheap cigar tubes turning up in your laundry.”

Dunkin Donuts

Lucy Wightman — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 18:29:33 +0000

Why do the lids on Dunkin Donuts coffee smell like cockroach exterminator spray?