The Cemetary of Close Calls
Wed, October 17, 2007 Dear Boozarama
I am so grateful to have this place to come to. Without it I would be so far away from appreciating all that you mean to me. I would have so many more regrets. That was an awful day… you know… in May when they told me you were dead in a car somewhere. It all came crashing in, all our mistakes, our selfish decisions, the times we made promises and failed to keep them.. knowing I could never hold you again.
I am so relieved and glad now. That day really changed me, and Dad, and a lot of people. I could not go on in a world where you weren’t, yet I never ever told you this because I took for granted you would be here. I wonder if other people in this Cemetary of Close Calls have to suffer in that kind of pain, thinking their child is dead for longer than that nanosecond I did. I think if they actually let my heart break, yes, not only would words fall into it, but that would have been my cause of death, and I would not be associated to the Cemetary of Close Calls. I must have been getting pretty cocky and cavalier to end up visiting here.
Without it though nothing would have changed.
I was so wrapped up in useless concerns… the indictments… being followed… that Terry Lynn guy… Mike Beaudet… that there was little time for what really mattered - YOU. If I had lost you without the chance to try and make up to all of my mistakes and moments where I was disconnected from my heart with you how could I go on breathing? Maybe people who really lose children in death are different. I was so self-absorbed. I could not protect you when I could not protect myself. Now we have a whole lifetime together during which, if it is OK with you, we can laugh, fight, make up, and understand. You will go off on your own, I know, as it should be, and I will be here on earth for you always, until iti s my time to leave, to protect you from everything bad, just like I always have.
I know we cannot reunite until the folks at The Cemetary of Close Calls see and feel the changes in me. Please take care of yourself and know I love you, more, most best… infinity and beyond
Lucy Wightman
HAD THIS ONE DAY NOT BEEN
by Emily Dickinson
Had this one Day not been.
Or could it cease to be
How smitten, how superfluous,
Were every other Day!
Lest Love should value less
What Loss would value more
Had it the stricken privilege,
It cherishes before.
Reader Comments (4)
we would all do well to visit this cemetary daily--as a reminder of "the big picture", but not to then dismiss the daily demands and struggles and shouts in favor of that 'big picture'. Because if we all really did that--if we really let slip the little hurts that need to be addressed (because you care about her) or if we didn't argue about what was the best decision (because you want the best for her future), or we didn't set limits about what we would tolerate or allow or want in our lives (because she is the most important thing you want to protect and keep there), then there would be no 'big picture'--or it would be some chaotic distorted out-of-control picture that wasn't connected to you or that you didn't create. much like there would be no song without the notes. The day-to-day notes and struggles and growing and breaks make the song a song. None of the notes that you and Torri played together were wrong or selfish or misplaced Lucy. What was wrong was that you didn't get to finish the song you were writing together here on earth.
is there a Cemetary of Buried Regrets around here? or a Cemetary of Unforgiven Selves? we should stop by there too....and leave some stuff before moving on.
Could you tell me what 'The Cemetery of Close Calls' is?
I think it is a place where we could go and see what COULD be gone/taken from us in an instant--and so when we visit there--and have that glimpse of our lives without those things, we can return to the lives we have with a renewed appreciation for the value and fragility of the people and things within it....and not take them for granted. But that is just what it seems to be to me.
Since it is a literary construct of LW, she would answer best.
I believe that, no matter who passes away, there will always be some 'regrets' by those of us who are left behind. Maybe you didn't say something you wanted to say, do something you wanted to do, or maybe you just didn't spend enough time with the person who you have lost.
After suffering my recent loss, I find that I have regrets, but my friend would not want me to have any regrets. We did the best that we could to spend time with each other and show each other how much we enjoyed each other's company. I believe my friend Bob died with happy memories of us, and nothing but love in his heart.
He would not want anybody to grieve on his behalf. Thinking about the people who I have now, I want them to know how much they mean to me, and I can tell them. It's just so hard to spend time with them, and do everything that you want to with everybody. I think it's rare, at best, that you will never see a friend die and say "I have no regrets whatsoever".